Atomic Bomb Design
Tue, 23 Feb 2010 10:54:37 +0000
To build a nuclear weapon you need weapons grade fissile material. This could be plutonium or uranium. (It could theoretically also be something like neptunium or americium, but nobody has ever bothered with that, as it would be far more difficult.) In the case of uranium, it must be highly enriched uranium and in the case of plutonium, it must be “weapons grade” plutonium.
The process of extracting plutonium from spent fuel for reprocessing, use in fast reactors or MOX fuel usage is similar to that used to extract plutonium for use in nuclear weapons. For this reason, many nuclear energy opponents will scream “AH HA!” and say that a nuclear power reactor is clearly a “proliferation hazard” regardless of what type it is. Furthermore, they’ll tell you that reprocessing is the ultimate danger and that if we dare recycling fuel, then others will recycle their fuel too (many already do, by the way) and if they do that then certainly they’ll be building weapons.
Of course, there are plenty of countries that reprocess fuel to one degree or another and don’t have nuclear weapons. Germany, South Korea, Japan, Belgium and Italy either reprocess fuel or have done so in the past but never had a nuclear weapon. Countries like Russia, France and the UK reprocess civilian reactor fuel but have never used this fuel to build a nuclear weapon.
There’s a good reason for this. As it turns out, the spent fuel from a modern power reactor, such as a BWR or PWR reactor is completely unusable for a nuclear weapon.
Here is why:
You’ve probably heard of the two earliest combat-ready nuclear bombs, developed by the Manhattan Project: Little Boy and Fat Man. Little Boy was the codename for the uranium bomb which used a “gun triggered” design, firing a subcritical uranium slug into a subcritical uranium target to produce a supercritical mass. Fat Man was the code name for a plutonium-based bomb that used a spherical core with a semantically explosives to compress the plutonium, resulting in an “implosion” that would bring the core to critical mass.
Well, here is “Thin man” the third bomb design that was developed during the Manhattan project: the one which never made it past the early test phase.
To be more accurate, those are not nuclear bombs, but rather just the empty casings. No “thin man” type bomb was ever built, because a combination of laboratory experiments and calculations proved that the design would either not work at all, or work so poorly that it wouldn’t produce an explosion any larger than a nominal size conventional munition. The problem is plutonium, or rather, an isotope of plutonium, plutonium-240.
Plutonium is produced by neutron bombarding uranium-238 in a reactor. When uranium-238 absorbs a neutron, it becomes uranium-239. Uranium-239 has a half-life of only 34 minutes and decays to neptunium-239, which has a half-life of 2.3 days and decays to plutonium-239. Therefore, when uranium-238 is irradiated with neutrons, a few days later, some of that uranium will have become plutonium-239, which can be separated chemically. Plutonium-239 is fissile and it’s exactly what you want if you’re looking to build a nuclear weapon.
However, there’s a problem that comes with the irradiation process: During the irradiation period, some of that plutonium-239 will also absorb a neutron. If that happens, it will usually fission, but up to a third of the time it won’t – instead it will become Pu-240. Likewise, some of that neptunium-239 will absorb a neutron before it gets a chance to decay to plutonium-239, thus resulting in neptunium-240, which quickly decays to plutonium-240. Because of these reactions, any reactor-generated plutonium will have some plutonium-240 in it.
Plutonium-240 is what you do not want when you’re building a nuclear weapon. For one thing, it’s not fissile and for another, it’s highly radioactive (four times more so than Pu-239), but what really makes Pu-240 so problematic for weapons use is that it has a high rate of decay by spontaneous fission, which produces neutrons. The rate of spontaneous fission of Pu-240 is so high that even with a tiny bit in a sample of plutonium, it will have significant effects on critical mass. If plutonium were used in a gun-triggered weapon, the spontaneous fission rate would mean that the bomb would begin to fission before the two portions came fully together. This is pre-initiation, and it results in the weapon blowing itself apart before it actually gets a chance to achieve a full blown nuclear reaction. It’s commonly known as a fizzle.
To avoid this, a much more efficient design would be needed, one which could slam the fuel together very quickly and start the reaction before pre-initiation could destroy the weapon in a very small explosion. This is why the implosion triggered system was designed. It proved to be capable producing a reaction from plutonium. Although the designers were not as confident about the design, leading to the need for a test before deployment – something which was not done with the gun-triggered uranium bomb.
Yet even using the implosion design, the presence of Pu-240 was still a problem. Having some Pu-240 present in the plutonium turned out to be inevitable, but it was still necessary to keep it to a minimum. If the level of Pu-240 were too high, even the implosion design would fail.
In order to do this, a special plutonium breeding cycle needed to be developed. The key to producing plutonium that is high in Pu-239 and low in Pu-240 is to make sure that it only spends a short period of time being irradiated. Uranium targets, in the form of small “slugs” would be irradiated in a reactor for a period of only one to two months. This would allow a small amount of neptunium and thus plutonium to build up, but only a small number of the atoms would absorb a second neutron. The slug would then be processed to remove the plutonium and the uranium would then be irradiated again, once again for a couple of months.
In practice, this meant that the target had to be completely dissolved and reprocessed, since that’s the only way to extract the plutonium. The uranium that was left could be reused, but it had to be completely re-fabricated into a new target. It also required a “cool down” period to assure the neptunium had all decayed. This period of time also eliminated most of the short-lived fission byproducts, which made the material difficult to handle and complicated the separation process. Typically, the cool down period would last several weeks. Each target would only produce a tiny amount of plutonium, so the process had to be repeated thousands of times to accumulate significant amounts of plutonium.
If the targets had been left in the reactor longer, then they’d produce more plutonium, but more of the plutonium would be Pu-240, the type which needs to be avoided. All and all, the process of producing weapons grade plutonium yields only about half a pound of plutonium for every ton of uranium irradiated and processed.
To accomplish this, the United States built a truly massive complex at Hanford Washington. It took three reactors working full time from 1944 on to produce enough plutonium for the weapons used in 1945. A total of nine plutonium production reactors were built at Hanford and produced plutonium for US nuclear weapons until 1987. Hanford was joined by the Savannah River Site in 1953. Six reactors would be built at the Savannah River site for plutonium production. All of the plutonium in US nuclear weapons came from the reactors at Hanford and Savannah River. Not one ounce of weapons plutonium ever came from a commercial nuclear power plant.
Grades of plutonium:
In current terminology, “weapons grade” plutonium is considered to have roughly 93% Pu-2239 or more, while “fuel grade” or “mid grade” plutonium has at least 81% and “reactor grade” contains less than 81% Pu-239. Weapons grade plutonium is considered to be the type well suited for use in nuclear weapons, but this does not mean that lower grades can’t theoretically be used, at least to a point.
As the concentration of Pu-240 increases, the difficulties it presents become greater and greater, causing the weapon to become less reliable, yield is reduced and a failure becomes more and more likely. Advanced weapons designs employ features like neutron reflectors, super high velocity, highly precise implosion lenses and multi-point detonation mechanisms, boosted cores and pulse neutron generators. These technologies, possessed by only a handful of countries could theoretically be used to create a more efficient weapon that could potentially utilize lower grade plutonium – but only to a point. A highly advanced, super-efficient weapon could make use of plutonium with a content of 91% Pu-239 or possibly even 88%. However, much beyond this would be difficult to impossible for even the most advanced weapons.
This kind of technology would not be available to a country just starting a weapons program anyway. The designs used by the United States and Russia are the result of hundreds of tests and decades of intense research. They also require exotic materials like tritium. However, no country with the technology to make such weapons would ever bother using the lower quality plutonium – doing so would reduce the weapons yield and make fabrication more difficult. Both the US and Russia already have a surplus of old weapons grade plutonium. Regardless of whether you could use sub-weapons grade plutonium in an effective weapon, it still would never work with reactor grade plutonium.
The reason for this is simple: commercial power plants don’t produce the kind of high grade, low Pu-240 material that is required for weapons. The most common type of nuclear reactor used around the world for power generation is the pressurized water reactor. In addition to this, there are many boiling water reactors in use. There are also some heavy water reactors and a few gas cooled reactors in use. With a couple of exceptions (more on that later) these reactors are NOT designed to produce weapons grade material.
Power reactors are designed to burn their fuel until there isn’t much left in it to burn, or at least, until the fuel no longer efficiently sustains critical mass in the core. Utility companies would rather be cranking out gigawatts than shuffling around fuel rods, and for this reason, most PWR’s and BWR’s are only refueled every year or two. Typically only a portion of the fuel is replaced and each fuel rod is used for more than one refueling interval. Most fuel rods spend at least three years in a reactor before being replaced and some spend even longer.
Some reactor designs allow for online refueling. These reactors are often refueled every few months, with only one or two fuel assemblies changed each time and fuel rods spending two or more years in the reactor, depending on burnup and enrichment. The CANDU reactor is refueled in this manner, but its spent fuel still spends far more time being irradiated than a weapons plutonium target ever would.
Because of this the plutonium found in spent fuel from power reactors has a very high concentration of Pu-240, making it unsuitable for use in nuclear weapons. The high levels of Pu-240 are not as important when the plutonium is to be reused in reactor fuel. Fast reactors will burn Pu-240 without issue and in thermal reactors, while plutonium-240 usually requires two neutrons to fission, more than Pu-239, this does not preclude its use. The pre-initiation issues of a weapon do not exist in reactors.
The plutonium produced by power reactors has yet another issue: it contains the isotope plutonium-241, an isotope which is only present in negligible quantities in weapons grade plutonium. Pu-241 decays into Am-241 with a half-life of only fourteen years. Since most reactor spent fuel sits for years in storage, by the time it is processed, a significant quantity has decayed to Am-241. The combination of Pu-241 and Am-241 makes the material highly radioactive, causing potential problems with material irradiation, the self-irradiation of a weapons core can cause embrittlement and heating of the plutonium pit and potentially compromise the weapons integrity.
In higher burnup reactors significant quantities of Pu-242 also begin ton build up. Plutonium-238, a source of intense heat also can be found in the spent fuel of high burnup reactors and can present problems for weapons us even when present at quantities of less than 1%. In a pressurized water reactor’s spent fuel, only about 53% of the plutonium present is plutonium-239, the type needed for a weapon! Creating a weapon out of plutonium with such extremely low levels of the critical isotope is absolutely impossible.
In face, 93% pu-239 is considered the low end of what is generally acceptable for weapons use and would work rather poorly in most weapons designs. Countries like the US, Russia, France and other advanced nuclear weapons states usually use even purer plutonium with concentrations of unwanted isotopes as low as 3% or less.
The possibility of using power reactors to produce weapons grade plutonium:
Simply reprocessing the fuel from a power reactor would yield plutonium that is utterly useless for weapons use, but could the reactor’s fuel cycle be modified to produce higher grade plutonium? Perhaps, but it wouldn’t be easy. PWR and BWR reactors are complex to refuel and normally are only refueled on relatively rare occasions, every year or so at the most. Refueling requires shutting down the reactor, allowing it to cool and depressurize, opening the lid of the reactor, replacing the fuel and finally replacing the lid. It takes more than a week to do this, during which time the reactor is shut down.
Producing weapons grade plutonium would mean irradiation cycles as short as a month. This would mean the reactor would be shut down almost as much as it was running, dramatically compromising its power producing capabilities. The cumbersome procedure would be made even worse because of the fact that the fuel assemblies use long, cladding rods, not the easily processed slugs that weapons reactors use. A power reactor of this type might be able to handle a fuel system more favorable to such frequent reprocessing and re-fabrication, but only with very extensive modification.
CANDU reactors can be refueled online, but the spent fuel they produce is very low in plutonium. A CANDU reactor could theoretically be used to produce weapons grade plutonium, but again, it would require extensive modification of the fuel cycle. Fuel would have to be ejected more frequently and doing so would reduce the power output of the reactor. Additionally, since the breed ratio of a CANDU under normal operation would not produce enough plutonium to make it a viable weapons reactor, there would need to be some modification of the fuel, likely using some level of enrichment combined with natural or depleted uranium target rods. It could be done, but like the PWR, it wouldn’t be especially easy and it would be pretty obvious to the world what you were doing.
There are two types of power reactors which are designed in a manner that allows them to produce weapons grade plutonium. The RBMK and Magnox reactors were both conceived as dual-purpose reactors and as such have the features necessary to produce weapons grade plutonium. The spent fuel from both of these reactors is useless for weapons production when they are run in a manner that maximizes their efficiency as power reactors, but the fuel cycle can be modified in order to produce nuclear weapons. However, both of these reactors are considered obsolete designs. The last Magnox reactor was built in 1971 and will be decommissioned this year. Most of the RBMK’s built have been decommissioned, but a handful are still in operation in Russia – a country which has no reason to produce more plutonium for weapons, given the enormous unused stockpile they already have.
A country wishing to produce plutonium-based nuclear weapons would be better off building a dedicated reactor or reactors for plutonium breeding. That is what every nuclear armed nation has done. The difficulties in making a power reactor produce weapons grade material are likely to be greater than simply building a purpose-built reactor, and in both cases the intentions would be fairly obvious. The fuel that comes out of a power reactor is useless for weapons production and therefore could never be spirited away to reprocessing to yield weapons grade material.
The great deception:
In 1977, President Jimmy Carter ended the reprocessing of nuclear fuel in the United States, thus making the US the only major nuclear nation with no reprocessing of spent fuel at all. In doing so, he created the nuclear “waste” problem, which prior to the end of reprocessing had been non-existent. At the time, he ordered some very selective information declassified to support this decision.
As anyone who understands nuclear weapons design would immediately realize that reprocessing of spent fuel absolutely does not yield weapons grade material, Carter asserted that, in fact, weapons grade material was not required to build a nuclear weapon. To support this claim he announced that the US had conducted a test in 1962 of a device containing “Reactor Grade Plutonium.” The problem was that Carter lied, if only by omission.
As is mentioned above, there’s not a single hard line at the 7% concentration. Plutonium containing 8% or 9% Pu-240 could certainly be used in a reasonably sophisticated weapon, although with reduced yield. When the 1962 test was conducted, there were only two terms for plutonium grades: “weapons grade” and “reactor grade.” In the contemporary terminology, “reactor grade” plutonium was anything with less than 93% plutonium-239, so a sample with 92.5% would qualify as reactor grade.
Additional information on the test was released in 1997. The biggest revelation was the source of the plutonium: it was not American but was imported from the UK. If the US wanted to test how lower grade plutonium would preform in a weapon, why not just use plutonium recovered from one of the power reactors in the US? After all, by 1962, the US had a number of PWR’s, including Shippingport, Yankee Rowe, Vallecitos Nuclear Center as well as a number of prototype naval reactors in operation at the Idaho National Laboratory.
The reason is simple: researchers were aware that the plutonium produced by these kind of reactors was so low in Pu-239 that it just plain would not work in a weapon. The test was likely intended to assess the effect of using lower grade plutonium in a weapon and confirm theoretical calculations, but to do this they needed plutonium that was lower than weapons grade, but not by too much, or the test would fail completely.
The DOE has never released the details of exactly what the composition of the plutonium was, nor have they released information about what the weapons yield was or whether the weapon incorporated advanced design features. The fact that it came from a Magnox reactor, however, is very telling.
Note in the graph seen above that of all the power reactor designs, the Magnox produces the least Pu-240 in its spent fuel and thus the most Pu-239. This is not by accident, as the Magnox reactor was originally designed as a weapons material reactor. Magnox reactors that continued to run in recent years produced plutonium with about 18% Pu-240, but this is only because they were operated at a high burnup level to produce power efficiently. When Magox reactors first came online, they were run at a much shorter fueling interval, more similar to the reactors at Savannah River and Hanford. Their primary purpose was to produce weapons grade plutonium. Electricity was also generated from the reactor’s heat, but this was seen as a byproduct, not the primary function of the reactor.
The first Magnox reactors became operational in 1956 at Calder Hall at the Stellafield nuclear site. The facility operated in a low-burnup mode intended for weapons production until 1964. After 1964 the reactors continued to produce weapons grade plutonium intermittently until 1995. The Chapelcross nuclear power station opened in 1959 and was considered the “sister plant” to the Calder Hall reactors. Chapelcross was also intended primarily to produce nuclear weapons material. In its early years, it ran on natural uranium at a low burnup that produced weapons grade plutonium. Berkely station opened in July of 1962. Berkeley was the first nuclear power plant in the UK that was owned by a civilian agency, the “Central Electricity Generating Board.”
Thus, there were only three nuclear reactors in the UK that potentially could have provided plutonium in 1962. Calder Hall can be ruled out because it was known to be operating at full capacity in weapons production mode at the time. Thus, the material it produced would be considered “weapons grade.” Reports indicate that in its early years, Berkeley was also used for producing weapons grade material. To this day the British government remains secretive about its historical plutonium breeding capabilities, and the level to which Berkely was used to produce nuclear weapons material is not entirely clear.
Had the material come from Chapplecross, it would have represented an abnormally long period of irradiation, since Chapplecross was primarily producing weapons material. Had it come from Berkeley, it would also have had to be low burnup, if only because of timing. Considering that it takes a good two to three months to cool, reprocess and fabricate fresh uranium rods into a weapons pit, that would have left only about three months for irradiation at Berkeley, even if the test took place in late December of 1962. Since the plant came online in July, there wouldn’t be enough time to heavily irradiate fuel rods. Also, at the time Magnox reactors ran exclusively on very low enrichment or unenriched fuel, limiting burnup, and because burnup directly effects fuel element integrity, early experiments with Magox reactors at higher burnup progressed conservatively, with usage extended in small intervals.
Therefore, the source of the plutonium can be determined to be either the very first round of spent fuel discharged from Berkeley, after having been irradiated for only a period of about three months max or possibly was from an extended irradiation period at Chapplecross. The fuel was not comparable to modern spent fuel, because, at the time, no British reactor was capable of producing such material. The fuel would have been lower than the US standard for weapons grade material – but only slightly.
The nature of the test can be inferred by a combination of its timing and the vague statement released in 1997: “This test was conducted to obtain nuclear design information concerning the feasibility of using reactor-grade plutonium as the nuclear explosive material. “
The test was probably done to establish a lower threshold for what would constitute acceptable plutonium for use in a weapon. This had already been established by calculations and sub-critical experiments, but this test would confirm how lower quality plutonium worked in a weapon. For example: Would the fuel cycle of the new Berkley nuclear plant produce material with weapons potential? Theory predicts that the use of plutonium of a quality slightly lower than the weapons grade standard would still produce a reasonable tactical yield in an advanced weapon design, but would diminish the total yield significantly. This is probably what happened in 1962.
One must remember that the material was only slightly lower grade than weapons grade plutonium – this is beyond question because of the source of the material being the low-burnup Magox reactors. Had it been from a modern power reactor or the power reactors that were being built outside the UK, it simply would not have worked at all.
And finally, on a “fizzle bomb”:
Some have said that this would be a deadly weapon as a “super dirty bomb” – the reality is that it would be a very big, bulky weapon that wouldn’t be much more powerful than its own weight in dynamite. It might spread around some plutonium, but the radio-toxicity of plutonium is not all that high and the spread of such material would be fairly local. Given that it’s primarily an alpha emitter, it would have to be inhaled or ingested to cause harm. If one went off, a couple blocks would need to be shut down while some guys in Tyvex suits washed everything down. We’ve actually experienced some weapons accidents that spread plutonium in a local area before. They weren’t the end of the world.
As a strategic weapon, it’s useless, as a tactical weapon, it’s pointless and as a weapon of terror, it’s only as terrifying as you let it be.
THEREFORE: NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS, SPENT FUEL FROM NUCLEAR POWER REACTORS AND ITS REPROCESSING IS ABSOLUTELY NOT A PROLIFERATION HAZARD. IT DOES NOT BECOME ONE IF THEY SAY IT IS ENOUGH TIMES. IT’S NOT. NOT PROCESSING NUCLEAR FUEL ON THE GROUNDS THAT IT PROMOTES NUCLEAR WEAPONS PROLIFERATION IS JUST PLAIN WRONG AND ALSO AN IDIOTIC ARGUMENT.
Understand?
As promised, here they are – unedited – the entries for our Bayonetta contest. Thanks to all who entered and thanks to BenFromOhio for donating the prize.
Oh…and NSFW!!!
Trashonetta
I took the dump truck boss idea and ran with it. Or stole it. Whatever.
Character name: Trashonetta (aka Yuki Yoshiharu)
Sex: Female
Design: Trashonetta is a based on a front loading garbage truck with a clam shell style rear dump. Once just a typical school girl, she was transformed when she was hit by a trash truck full of radioactive waste. After the accident the corrupt politician who was driving put her body in the back of the truck and then abandoned them both in a remote field. In the back with the trash and the radioactive waste, Yuki was left for dead but instead she was transformed and mutated. She grew to stand at just over thirty feet tall and she gained horrible, trash based, powers. She now wears the trash truck like a dress with its headlights as a bra, its clam shell rear door covering her behind and its wheels as roller skates. Her hair is a giant wadded up newspaper that sits on her head like an afro and her hands a dumpsters.
She has three attacks. The first is a basic laser attack from her headlights and the second is a throwing attack where she scoops trash out of her head and throws it at you. For her main attack Trashonetta stops, sticks her butt out at you and looks over her shoulder, touching her fingers to her lips with a “Oh, I’m so naughty!” look. As she does this the rear door of the truck opens with a “BEEP BEEP BEEP” revealing her shapely ass. Soon after this a cloud of noxious gas is released, dealing a great deal of damage to the player and doubling him over so he can’t fight back. It is during her main attack that Trashonetta is vulnerable and the player must run up to her ass and melee attack it in order to defeat her.
Katsumi Clamidia-Son
Here is my entry for the crazy Japanese character contest. It is slightly shocking but I hope it will explain a few things.
Name: Katsumi Clamidia-Son
Gender:Female
Description:Katsumi Clamidia-Son is a crazy bitch. At a glance she appears to be a fairly average person. She has long flowing brown hair, delicate hands, oversized breasts and is extremely overweight. She wears a school girl uniform to help compensate for the fact that she is in her mid forties, overweight and single. These attributes do have a negative effect on the performance of Katsumi Clamidia-Son but she can easily overpower any man. Beneath her uniform lies her very powerful secret. Katsumi Clamidia-Son has a large growth protruding from her vaginal area. This growth has a mind of its own and must be taken care of as if it were a child. The scientific term for this growth is a shrimporis but is commonly referred to as a shrimp by Katsumi. This growth is named after the commonly eaten shrimp and both have a similar smell.
When stimulated the shrimporis grows to an enormous size and devours Katsumi’s enemies. This growth has also been passed on to Katsumi’s offspring who goes by the name of Jessica Chobot. When feeding her shrimp a chipmunk Katsumi misplaced the poor creature and was impregnated a day later. Jessica has the shrimporis of her mother and the cheeks of her father which are perfect for stuffing full of nuts. Jessica cannot take part in traditional intercourse because her shrimporis would tear the poor bastard’s dick clean off leading her to become a master of oral sex.
Well that is it…….
Sincerely,
Sunamic
Clitoraus Rex
Hey Guys,
Love the Show, here’s my submission for the contest, he has his powers and stuff in the picture.Thx
eric
Mecha Dong von Bonermeister
Hello Drunken Gamers! I was catching up on my old episodes and was intrigued by your create a Japanese character contest. Sadly, I’m not really the creative type, but I thought I’d bring to your attention one particular character that stuck out for me during my early gaming years. Combining Japan’s love of robots with their love of tasteful homosexual caricatures, Mecha was one of the stars of the popular fighting game Slap, Slap, Repeat! IX: Enter the Fabolous which you may know better under its American title, Punchsplosion IV: The Bloodening. As you’ll unfortunately see, much of the original charm and nuance of the character was lost in his move across the ocean, but hopefully this will awaken some American eyes to the joys of unfiltered Japanese creativity. Below I’ve attached the bios from the Japanese and American manuals, so you can compare for yourselves. I couldn’t find the original character art online, so my sister was kind enough to whip up some sketches based on what I remember from the game.
(JAPANESE)
NAME: Mecha Dong von Bonermeister
OCCUPATION: Masseuse, Wannabe-Actor
FIGHTING STYLE: Wang Chug
NATIONALITY: Land of the Rising Schlong
BLOODTYPE: AB (He goes both ways!)
CATCH-PHRASE: HHHHEEEEELLLLOOOO Sailors!
BIO: Built for ultimate pleasure enjoyment, Mecha Dong von Bonermeister is prototype artificial entertainer, designed for happy-times with ladies and also certain mans, but instead desires to make screen debut in films of moral merit! Acting though is requiring the cash, so Mecha Dong von Bonermeister must take up the job as masseuse at in-demand star vacation spot! Sad times though, and when Island Funtime resort is in bankrupt status imminent, number 1 masseuse Mecha Dong von Bonermeister must enter cash-money slap fighting contest and take home big bucks!
(AMERICAN)
NAME: Robot Cowboy Steve
OCCUPATION: Punching cows. Literally.
FIGHTING STYLE: Fisticuffs
NATIONALITY: USA! USA!
BLOODTYPE: A (For America!)
CATCH-PHRASE: Let’s talk…with fists!
BIO: Once a hero cop with nothing to lose, and a star football quarterback with a championship in his sights, Steve Stevington’s promising career(s) were cut short when a tragic garbage disposal accident caused irreversible loss of 90% of his body. However, Steve was inducted into a secret government project designed to create the ultimate soldier, and his brain was placed in a robot body which gifted him with the strength, agility and toughness of, like, 3 average dudes. Now with his new robot fighting skills, Steve must enter the famous Punchsplosion tournament in order to stop a communist plot to blow up an American orphanage. The orphanage where Steve was born. Oh, and there’s a communist guy in the tournament, which is why Steve is entering. Probably should have mentioned that earlier. Also, he’s a cowboy.
Man, they don’t make them like that anymore, though from what I’ve heard Bayonetta sure tries. Wouldn’t mind finding out for myself, wink wink, nudge nudge and so forth. Thanks for the great show, and of course, thanks Japan!
-Splatoon
Xaviera
Hey you Salacious Sluts!
Love the show! Keep up the awesomeness that is your work. I just wanted to submit my entry for the contest.
Villain
Name: Xaviera
Status: PreOpt
Origin: from the tranny hooker underground world of Dragtonia a war was breaking out between the pre and post opts. In leaderless times, desperation brings forth the strong to reign over the masses. The pre opts have had the upper hand in the past 10 years, but there are those that seek change. Xaviera thinks otherwise! Half tranny half robot she rules with an iron sequenced fist. Her reign has been brash and merciless and in the name of the greater good, but the uprising has been getting stronger and unruly. Once the dust settles who will be left standing?
Abilities: acrylic claw attack
platform stiletto split kick
Special: super 10 inch untuck choker hold
Holla
ADRJeep from Burque, NM
Deermon
Hey guys,
Been listening to you guys for a little bit and I must say that you blow Gamers with Jobs out of the water. I can’t wait until I get drunk and give you guys a call. Anyways, here is my entry for the villain contest. I know that my drawing is absolutely horrible so hopefully I can win this bad boy with description.
What you are looking at is what I have dubbed “The Deermon!” exclamation point and all. The Deermon! answers the age old question if animals do go to heaven. Also if animals go to heaven, can they go to hell? The Deermon! was the deer who sided with the hunters and sold out Bambi’s mom’s location. You see, The Deermon! and Bambi’s mother had gone to high school together and despite The Deermon!’s attempts, Bambi’s mom was always into the jock deer who turns out to be Bambi’s dad. Enraged The Deermon! seeked a way to release his rage so he ran into some hunters and bargained his life to have a much prettier deer to hang on their wall. Well, as you can say, the rest is history.
So Bambi’s father eventually caught wind of this and battled The Deermon! to the death. Obviously by the Bambi sequels you see that Bambi’s father won. The Deermon! was then greeted in Heaven by God and Bambi’s mother was there. God turned to her and said “1 hoof forgiveness, 2 hoofs hell” Bambi’s mother jumped on her hind legs and slammed both her front hooves down, sending The Deermon! directly to hell.
The devil was waiting with open arms to receive him and delighted in this story and made a deal with him. Much like Ghost Rider, he made The Deermon! his collector of souls to scour the earth and collect whomever the devil desires. . If you notice, he also can unhinge his jaw and actually devour the body and soul whole. The Deermon! is actually powered by these souls and stores them in his horns (as pictured) until he can return to hell and deliver them to Satan and he disposes of the bodies in typical villain fashion, by making them his minions!
Anyways guys, love the show, keep it up! Punch Punch Go!
Will
Double D
Picture this: A sexy, red headed chick is getting ready for her birthday. Her name is Denise, but all of her friends call her Double D because her boobs are huge. As she is trying on new clothes for her birthday party and about to pay for a hot little skirt that goes all the way down to the top of her panties, an alien ship kidnaps her parents! She yells out “Nooo! Not before my 11th birthday!” As she runs out of the store she realizes that the aliens aren’t just out to kidnap her parents but to invade the whole world and it is up to her to save it.
The game will be a 2d beat-em-up where Denise must defeat 10 alien filled levels. Over the course of the game her move set will get bigger, as will her boobs. To start off you get the simple punch and kicks but as you move throughout the game you’ll get such moves as The Vice – a move were you crush the bad guys heads between your 11 year old huge jugs. You’ll also pick up different weapons to use. Like the Monkey Gun that shoots out a lazar that turns someone into a cute monkey and then explodes. Or shoes that make you bounce slightly, that isn’t really a weapon but I think we can call agree that it will be bad ass.
The difficulty levels in the game will be Easy, Normal and Hard at the beginning. Completing Hard mode will unlock the highest difficulty, Moe Mode.Completing the game on any of the difficulties will unlock the Co-Op mode where you and your younger sister will take on the alien invasion. Your sister will be stacked too, and have robot arms.
Thinking innocent thoughts,
Rusty Shackleford
Bad Girl
Dear inebriated overlords,
My character would be a bad girl (Giggity). She has the appearance of a 14 year old school girl (not legally giggity), uniform and everything except giant combat boots. While she appears to be a 14 year old girl she would have the ridiculously sized breasts with just a smidge of under-boob sticking out. She would wield a Vulcan Raven (Metal Gear Solid) style mini-gun in one hand. In the other hand she would be holding a Mog or chocobo plush by the foot. And finally, for a reason that will never be explained, green squid-like tentacles will appear out from under the skirt for special attacks.
Thanks guys! Your show is the best.
Professor BangPowFaceSmile
Hello DGR,
So what I have as an attachment is my submission for the contest. his story goes something like this:
August 1945! Three planes are sent to Japan to drop the atomic bombs known as “Little Boy,” “Fat Man,” and “G.I. Joe.” While the former two were dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima the third disappeared without a trace…until recently. A man with a giant pompadour and wearing a skirt and tights is seen during the night, “thrusting crime back into the depths of hell where they came from,” with what seems like the third atomic bomb strapped to his pelvis! While the Tokyo police and the American government are denying the existence of both the bomb and the man many people are claiming to have seen an oddly dressed man known as Francais Highfive, or as he is better known… Professor BangPowFaceSmile! During the day he is like any cross-dressing, pomp sporting, homeless man eating copious amounts of lawn clipping and touching himself to old pictures of Ayn Rand. But, at night, he straps on the bombs and goes around thrusting the bad guys into submission (those anime kids didn’t get those funny haircuts with just hairgel. No, thats cartoon explosion status..of which BangPowFaceSmile provides.) No one knows how Mr. Highfive went from Ace pilot to fucking weirdo with an Ayn Rand obsession but what we do know is…watch out Tokyo.
Studied for the Third PHD (in Anthropology of course):
DrLoveNKiss
Winky
Dear Sultans of Sauce,
My japanese video game character will more than likely get me arrested but to celebrate the batshit crazy character that is Bayonetta, here it is anyways.
His name is Winky, the child friendly penis.
He was a failed abortive love child between Pac-man, and Blinky the ghost. Conceived in a coke binge from the wonder years of Pacman’s stardom in the early 80’s. He grew up in the vicious, power pelletless wilds of the top left corner of an old used up pacman map, left behind in a seedy old adult movie theater and remained there for the last 29 years. Now, on the verge of 30, he has decided to leave the old movie theater and take up a job as a baby sitter.
The goal of the game would be keeping the child “safe” inside of winky’s house. As you progress through the levels you get cash and “upgrade” the house. Locks on the doors. Bars on the windows, and even one way soundproof glass.
I could go quite in depth about this characters potential special abilities, the possibilities being a sticky spit attack, a ramming speed tackle/wrestle attack (activated of course by a blue power pellet) but I think I’ve said quite enough.
To keep with the anime loving japan art style, the hair on his balls will be blue.
THANKS JAPAN
-Ian “Dead Reckon”
Detective Sekuhara
Here is my character for your contest. I’m honestly ashamed with how this thing turned out and I don’t want to look at what I’ve made any longer, so I’m giving it to you three so that I can hear it instead. I’ve also included a picture of posterity.
By the way, I love the show.
Name: Detective Sekuhara
Nationality: Russian
Height: 6’3”
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Blonde and curly
Mustache: Handlebar
Normal Description: Detective Sekuhara is a valued detective. Born in Mother Russia, Sekuhara has always been in love with detecting, alcohol, bears and sexual harassment. When Sekuhara detects a sexual anomaly, he goes to the ends of the earth to solve it, even if the endeavor ends in incest. When Sekuhara slacks off and a sexual anomaly becomes too huge, a giant woman is produced. Should that happen, Sekuhara uses his pencil-shaped necklace to summon his robot, G.I.G.A. Sekushuaruharasumento. When the summoning signal is sent, a rocket is launched from a volcano into another volcano, erupts out, then transforms into a giant robot coated with armor made from naked woman. Sekuhara then leaps up several stories, summons the essence of a rainbow, grabs it, and lands into the “C-pilot’s seat”. Once the essence of a goddamn rainbow is inserted into a goddamn robot made of naked women, Sekuhara shoots a goddamn laser from G.I.G.A.’s mouth, which turns the anomaly into a goddamn panda bear. G.I.G.A. then launches off towards the moon, and Sekuhara leaps from the cockpit to commit suicide.
Translation Party’s Description: Detective Detective is Sekuhara evaluation. In Mother Russia, Sekuhara love to find a bear is always born in alcohol sexual harassment. Sekuhara abnormal sexual relations, he is also working to resolve the incest close to the edge of the earth. Surakkusuofu Sekuhara, generation time is a huge huge women’s sexual abnormality. Well, to be summoned the next generation of robots, he is in the form of pencil Nekkuresugigabitto Sekushuaruharasumento, Sekuhara is. If the time signal, the giant robot armor coating was summoned to the other volcanic explosion of the rocket that sent a naked woman will be converted to the volcano. Some stories, Sekuhara rainbow, in order to obtain the land that is the essence of the subpoena, “C is to jump the cockpit.” Essence of the rainbow once goddamn, goddamn Sekuhara goddamn naked in the mouth is the wrong woman in the goddamn robot Gigapandakuma cases, laser, fire, to be inserted. In addition, a full moon night of gigabytes to start off from the cockpit Sekuhara suicide leap.
-Sonchi
Everyman
Dear (word for drunkenness) (word for godlike gamer)s,
I hope I’m not too late for this, and completely admit that I forgot this contest was going on regardless of getting an idea right after hearing what it was about.
My crazy japanese character would be a normal everyman. As far as putting him in a game, I suppose he would be in a sims game if it were played by Ben Stein. He wakes up at 7 am Monday through Friday next to his normal, average wife to go to work. For breakfast he has unflavored oatmeal, water, and corn flakes. Afterwards he sets out in his astrovan, bought in case he and his beloved ever decide to have children. At work he sits in his cubicle and deals with the task of the day: shreading paper and filing said shreds in a manila envelope. That’s all he does. He doesn’t question it and never will. He’s OK with the company he works for, but if he had to leave it he’d be OK with that too. For lunch he has a slice of bread with cheese and mayonnaise (this character is Caucasian). Sometimes his boss will cal him into his office and tell him he is doing an average job. The character will then nod and leave. After work he’ll go home and take a bath with unscented boring soap. He’ll then wear a flannel shirt and jorts and sit in a chair and read some Ayn Rand book. He doesn’t really care for Ayn Rand, but he doesn’t hate her either. As nighttime comes he’ll go to sleep next to his wife and have vague thoughts of couple with her. Those thoughts quickly pass as said coupling would serve no real purpose. This cycle will go on until either the player is bored to tears or has left the game to write slash fanfiction betwen the main character and his boss. God knows I have.
Peace and love,
Suicide Pacmen
Domi-nate
Shit! I just saw your twitter post. I hope you drunk bastards didn’t start judging the contest without me!
The year is 3015, and the world is ruled by the Cybernuns. Bent on removing sexuality from human existence, when they took over the began removing the horniness genes from humans. Eventually mankind no longer reproduced, and were instead grown in the nun-controlled birth-factories. However, after 100 years of removing the horny gene and throwing into a sexual waste site, the genetic material, along with so much garbage, created Domi-nate, a man with a thirst for thrust. Armed with what few sexual relics he could find from the hyper-sexual revolution of the 2800’s, Domi-nate is prepared to bring the ruler down on those nuns with the help of his Penetrator 5000 dildord (a dildo sword), a pair of cowboy boots and his companion Maso-Bear, the adorably sexual Teddy. Those nuns are in the ass beating of a life-time!
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Regards,
Masked Klaus
- Posted in Arabic Fashion Designer
